A few days away
The past 2 weeks have been difficult. I have felt myself slipping into an ornery state, this is not fun. When this happens i can usually catch it. It means that I need some major alone time or to be closer to the hustle and bustle of a city, or both. I have had the last week off as it was raining for a week, we needed the moisture badly. Over the next few days I have appointments in the city, 3 per day until Wednesday. I am walking in a marathon tomorrow! i am excited and nervous more excited. I had a phone call with my doctor almost 2 weeks ago. I said i want more excitability in my life, passion, intrigue. I look forward to things but it seems my depression still takes over a little bit when i have something planned. I asked my doctor what he thought of my bumping my dose of the low mood medication i am on. I felt there was room for improvement i was taking a 5mg dose every day now i am on a 10 mg dose daily. i felt good on the 5 but there was still a lack of passion and drive curiosity even. Its like i have no “get up and get it” the fire in side me is starting to smoke, i want the flame back and for it to start crackling. I have been on the 10 mg dose for over a week now and i dont feel a different. Both my doctors said it takes up to 6 weeks to notice or feel a change. Patience is key with mental health, i dont want to rush anything, yes i want to feel like my old self but im not sure how to find that state of ambition again. I have to remember to take things slow, feeling good mentally is a process and im getting to where i think i should/want/like to be, but there is still room to grow. I also forgot that one of the side effects is nausea which is less than ideal. When i went to my MD for mental health help i told him if i was to go on something to help my situation i still wanted to feel. Have emotions, Be able to cry. Not be numbed. That is still what i am trying to avoid but there is a line i do not want to cross. I am on 2 medication and one natural supplement for ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I do not want to turn that into 5 or 6. The fact that it is the end of may and summer is just starting makes me very happy. I love the heat, i thrive in it. I always have this thought in my mind that i would be so happy as a surfer beach person, shorts, flipflops, no shirt, sunglasses and a sweat headband. Some where in California, Hawaii, Oregon or Vancouver Island. That will be a reality at some point. I am looking forward to walks by the river, trees in bloom, hot beach days, fishing, Golfing, cutting grass and whatever else this amazing summer season brings.
I will be starting to pack things up in a month and get ready for my next move. Lots of paperwork to come with that, purging a good chunk of the old and getting a few new things to help myself succeed in the coming years.
I hope everyone is having a great Saturday, enjoy the rest of the month and i will see you in the next update.
I love you all, remember you are an amazing person, give some a hug and tell them you love them.
James