A slow morning
I do my best to get up early, somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30 am. I feel more productive when I do. If i sleep in until 7:30 i find i am usually frustrated with myself for not getting the day started earlier. There are times when i need to sleep in. Over the years i have found i am not good day napper. I wake up mad that i have missed those hours in the day. In March i started taking a low mood medication to further help with my depression and anxiety. before the medication i was doing okay, but i had a love tolerance for being passive, i was not able to let things go or brush them off. I told my doctor i was able to get get up and do daily things but i don’t have the passion or excitability for much. I wanted that to change if it could. It has been just over 8 weeks on the Low mood medication. I feel like i am doing better, I find myself laughing at more things. willing to engage more with people in tense situations, when i would normally avoid them altogether. I went to concert on the 28th of April and i was looking forward to the live music but i wouldn’t say i was excited about the experience. I didn’t have the regular anxious nerves i thought i would which was a different feeling, it gave me more confidence to walk into a venue by myself. I am still on a mission to feel less tired than i do currently and to get more of an excited drive to my mentality. I want more of a passion for life.
I am walking the 10km Saskatchewan marathon this year, will be my first. I got a job on the 19th of April. Out of the past almost 3 weeks i have been on the road for 12 days. I am enjoying it. I haven’t had much time to train for the event but last Saturday i walked 7 km very easily. which made me happy.
In the next 2 1/2 months, when i am not working i will be doing as much of the following as time and money permit.
Camping/testing out my new Home-more info on this coming in the next 2 weeks.
Kayaking, Trips to the city, appointments, yardwork, cutting grass, Admin stuff for my company, slowly packing up to move again, prepping to go back to school, saving as much money as i can.
I have decided it will be necessary to work at least part-time on weekend while i am back in school. I will try to find something remote i can do, and try to still work for the company i do now when i am available.
I am going to try to see and visit as much family over the next 18 months as possible. I have neglected extended family for nearly 2 years. When my depression was at its worst i didn’t want to see anyone, as i felt an obligation to explain how i was doing and what was happening. I didn’t want to put on my mask and pretend i was okay because i wasn’t. at the same time the energy it would have taken to explain what was happening, the fact that i needed help and didn’t know how to ask for it and what to do about it did not seem worthy of the energy expulsion. I just didn’t have the energy in the first place.
Not that i feel i need to apologize, i cannot get that time back. I needed that period of time to help myself and i have done 80% of the work. That work will forever continue, but i feel the pull to interact and connect with everyone again so that is what i am going to do, slowly of course, i am an introvert so i do need time to restore and replenish.
That is all for this update, i am going to water my plants and flowers, go for a walk and help my dad shovel out some grain bins.
I hope you are all doing well. If you are going through a hard time please know you are not alone. i have a recourses page for people and companies that have helped me over the years under the ALBOE page of this website. check it out. I love you all. and if you are reading this blog update, thank you, i enjoy writing and that fact that you read this makes you a wonderfully beautiful human being.
I love you all
James